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There's been a lot of change in my house recently; spring certainly started off with a real big bang and for some reason I was convinced that my self-discovery and new focus (& working with my new guide!) would leave me sailing smooth waters for the rest of the year.
Because that's how it works, right?
Well, my good friend, M, already predicted that the month of June would be another big month of movement for me (she's really awesome, you can get a reading from her here!) and hoo boy howdy, was she right. M told me I'd be finally facing up to a lot of hurt that I've been holding back, and I'm finding some of my Old Wounds wet with fresh blood- something I wouldn't have expected from going back to school or other current happenings in my life, but here we are (we meaning me, my cards, and I lol).
I have an old habit of throwing myself Pity-Parties and assuming the position of victim. In the most recent years of my adulthood, I'm discovering what allowing myself power actually looks like: creating and enforcing boundaries, prioritizing myself, and, most surprisingly (but it makes sense), genuinely loving myself. On a deeper, more intimate level, these are all relatively new to me, and navigating a "healthy" way of living life has been full of fumbles, as to be expected when first employing any new skill, but it turns out that these three things I've been really working on do wonders for controlling my power; when I believe I'm worth something, it's not so easy to strip me of authority!
Lighthouse says: Don't doubt your worth
So, I've fully accepted that I've been my own worst enemy. Luckily, I've also been working very hard at stopping this, even before I really was aware of what I was doing and what the problem was. It seems, though, that I'm ready for a little more reflection with the Five of Cups- and instead of continuing to ignore it whenever it jumps out at me, I've decided to dedicate some time and a spread to it.
The Five of Cups sits next to Lighthouse, beneath them rest The Star, King of Swords, and Five of Pentacles.
Of course I'm pleased as a peach when I pull The Star. This one never comes out to play with me! The Star is a beautiful visitor, shining brightly after the dust from chaos has settled. The Star, here, is my guide- all of my hopes and dreams, my motivation, my literal guides- and it gives me a reason to sigh with relief. I must keep moving forward. If the Five of Cups can teach me anything, it's to not get stuck in the past, and to also not get caught up in anything particularly sticky in the present- I must keep moving forward. No matter the source of the chaos and turbulence, my focus should be turned to the future- but specifically my future: the one I'm working so hard to build!
The King of Swords is a card I have a mixed relationship with, go figure. The King of Swords gives me a knee jerk reaction that feels a lot like shame and guilt, and this rotten feeling stems from a chronic issue of low self-esteem. When I'm around confident people, I automatically put on the dunce cap and play the fool without giving myself a chance, and the King of Swords is not only assured of his power, he's also highly intelligent and sharp- meaning that I can't bullshit or fluff things up with the King of Swords like I possibly could with the other suites; his x-ray vision gives me the heebie jeebies and its wild how all of this can get stirred up just from a single card! The King, here, is an actual person- a guide, or maybe future me!, and thankfully there is not a lick of disappointment in sight. Nestled between The Star and the Five of Pentacles, I'm being called to hold myself to high standards and not submit to my comfort-zone buffoonary; no more assuming the role of the town idiot. It's time for me to really honor myself by regarding myself truthfully, and then acting accordingly.
The Five of Pentacles was a little confusing at first- between the Five of Cups and this guy, I've been cringing and dismissing plenty of these card flips as I do my spirit work. The Five of Pentacles talks about the word "insecurity" in an umbrella sense- it can mean poverty, but it can also mean self, being haunted by mistakes, and even an issue with one's health. With the rest of this spread, I had a hard time trying to piece it into the puzzle. This card doesn't feel good- but the rest of the spread does- so what gives? After I zoomed my focus out and re-visited my spread, I started to understand its place within the bigger picture.
The Focus is My Old Pains & Self-Sabotage (Five of Cups). The Overall Message is Lighthouse (don't doubt your worth!). The reminder is to keep moving forward (The Star). The goal is to act with clarity and speak my truth (King of Swords). And that means that the Five of Pentacles is a warning.
What happens when I don't value myself? Low Standards. Lack of Fulfillment. Lack of Opportunities- I don't have to keep going, right? We can see how detrimental self-doubt can be, right? The big Five of Pentacles makes my stomach churn because I've already been there- financially, with myself, with my health, etc- it knots me up because I've only recently climbed out from the real depths of my struggles and I'm still so very close to slipping back into that nasty, cyclical darkness. It's probably why the rest of the spread feels so hopeful, too; the Five of Pentacles might be dangerously close, but so is valuing myself and allowing myself to live.
In fact, when I say it like that, it sounds ridiculously easy.
I thank my cards, of course, and put them away. Looks like I have a crown to make!