A Light Step into a Dark Night

(Save some suffering for us, why don't cha!!)

It's been ages, and I have been at least several hundred different Tays in just the last year alone. I had my heart and mind cracked open, lost a few dear loved ones, ended a long-term relationship and moved back "home", learned astrology, named and released a few masks, connected with some guides (human and otherwise), and started facing some enmeshment trauma and healing some codependent patterns.

And after all of that, I've finally started to feel my shine again.

I've felt my shine coming back for a bit now- fleeting glimmers of the life that I was sure burned within me under all the gunk. These days, I'm so freaking grateful to report that while my health continues to beat me down, I am stronger each day, and I see such huge differences in both my symptoms and in how I can handle and navigate LIFE. Connecting to my emotional world has allowed me to step further into my spirituality, and nowadays I am working to marry everything together for mind, body, and soul balance.

Astrology has been such an excellent and engaging resource for my reflections and self-care focus- you probably know my shaky relationship with routines, and working with astrology itself is indeed a routine (especially if you're a Cancer rising tracking the moon! Whew!!) but it's one that allows so much novelty and exploration- so much flow to the structure! I am constantly learning new things and diving deeper into the relationships between the planets, the signs, the houses.... it's such a rich and intriguing world!!

I could rant and rave forever, so let's digress.

Last year, the infamous year of the snake & a 9 year, I detoxed in many ways; my nervous system is exhausted, but I have finally started resting (I mean, truly resting) in these last few months and I feel like I'm stepping into things Right. On. Time. I'd done been feeling like I'm entering a new chapter of my life for a couple years now- and I kept waiting for something explosive to happen! But I had no idea there was still so much shame and anxiety to scrub from my person- mind, body, and soul, I tell ya what, that stuff sticks! There was so much I needed to see, so much I needed to release, so much I needed to witness within myself and in nature (I've befriended some local trees and the flower bush across the street) before I could get on my feet and do some earthly building.

I still don't quite know what I'm building, but I absolutely know what I'm building towards. Here's the vision: a cozy cabin out in the woods or in the mountains. I enjoy slow mornings, creative days, and I freely use my gifts to help myself and others. Sometimes I sigh dreamily about my own book shop, where I sell soaps and have comfy, welcoming chairs. Sometimes I live in a van and travel the country, healing AND learning.

As the steps become clearer over time, I'm simply practicing meeting my own needs and bringing my authentic self to every room I enter. I don't enter a whole lot of rooms yet, but I have finally started actively looking for spaces that may have some like-minded friends for me to spend precious time and energy with. I am grateful that human teachers have entered my life this month, and one of them is teaching me how to better protect my energy & strengthen my boundaries (which all is helpful for trusting the good ol' intuition), and the other- well, I think he's a meaningful teacher in my life, but the connection so far has been slow going for interactions. However, in my brief engagement with him and his work, I have gone beyond what he intended to speak on (astrology) and have found myself examining my own issues of self-consciousness and visibility wounds. It's incredible how powerful a person's presence can be in one's life! It's been really inspiring me to face my visibility wounds and begin creating and sharing again; if stumbling into this person allowed me to bravely face some deep crap hidden away in my mind, what kind of change could I spark in others? Simply by being my authentic self?

That's not everything, not even close. But it's enough of a catch up to let me start back in on this again.