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It's another day.
Tuesday, specifically. I asked my friend what was on the menu today.
"DnD, a character outfit meme, and writing"
It started out as a spectacular day before shit started to hit the fan- job rejection emails are starting to come in from the three weeks of half-hearted begging, I was notified that the status of my application for assistance changed but have to continue to hang in limbo before it is updated for me to view it, and my insurance was cut off the day I was fired, making my Very Necessary Doctor appointment tomorrow a hefty burden.
It's hard to find comfort these days- in fact, it's been hard to find comfort in probably the last decade. Can't speak for anyone else, but I've certainly struggled to gain any kind of footing without being immediately knocked back down on my ass. And now that I've been diving into spirituality and tarot, I'm beginning to understand why people pray.
Seeing magic in the coincidences, finding signs of protection or guidance- even just the smallest sparkle of something- can be just the thing to propel one forward. Some people need medication, others need a tangible sign.
I need both.
When I'm feeling lost, I turn to the cards. When I'm feeling scared, I turn to the cards. The skeptics will tell you that they have no meaning and came from a regular pack of bicycle cards.
Sure, Jan.
That might be half-true, but who cares? A skeptic will look at a spread and see what they want to see, but so will I! What does a skeptic want to see? Well, that's going to be a hell of a lot different from what I want to see. Let's forget about cards and all that for a moment- isn't it true that when you're looking for reasons to be upset you can find them everywhere? It's what makes mood swings and depression that much harder to crawl out of. It's the power that can infest an entire group of people. "When it rains, it pours!!" They say, unfurling their umbrellas and cursing themselves and their lives for being so terrible. "I have such shitty luck!!!"
One of the best things I could have done for my mental health was get my ass into reading tarot cards. I find it incredibly grounding and it allows me to be present in the moment, even when that moment feels like the shittiest moment in my entire life, I'm able to control myself from spiraling downward even worse. And I live for the consistent moments of comfort the cards offer. Today, I pulled out an oracle deck, and the card that jumped out at me said: "Believe in yourself. You can do this."
I'd be lying if I said that didn't make me shed some tears.
Y'see, I pour so much hope and gratitude into my decks- I look to them for comfort and for reminders that everything will be okay. I receive so many messages that are sometimes brutal in their honesty and observations, but overall? I get what I give.
And if a deck of cards can turn my "What's the Point of living" into a preeeetty damn confident "I'm going to make this better", then that's a dog gamn win in my book and no one has the power to take that away from me. If a pocket of shiny rocks and a moon keychain alleviates some fear? If burning a candle and humming a daily intention gives you the drive to wake up again tomorrow? That is truly powerful- and no one else has to believe in it for it to mean something special to you.